It is often said, that you should not talk about yourself.
But this is my journal, a place to write about myself.
Pass this post by if you do not like to read about determined girls.
Even more importantly, pass this by if you cannot handle me being successful and happy.
It is 5:27 am here, and while wondering about my day ahead, I discovered that I needed to absorb the fact that I must stop shrinking and playing small around others because it is doing me harm.
It has become a self destructive habit of mine to point out my flaws (and to invent flaws) to anyone and *everyone* in order to prevent intimidation.
People are often overwhelmed by me, my ideas, thoughts, personality, and talents... It's not easy to freely be who I am, so much so that I am not even myself anymore when I am just alone- by myself!
In H.S. I started to wish for BAD things to happen to me in order to make people think that I was "normal", to feel comfortable around me with their flaws... Everyone thought that I was just too "Pollyanna."
And then my life and the life of my family started to change. For the worse.
What a dumb thing I did.
I cannot keep doing this to myself.
I am who I am and I have worked very hard to be who I am.
I am tired of downplaying my knowlege, wisdom, my gifts, my talents, I am tired of hiding how blessed I feel and insightful I am.
I am really tired of how much I hold myself back from the spotlight in order to let others shine without them feeling that I get "too much" attention.
I made some bad choices in order to "shrink" along the way.
Ones that I do not want to sit around and regret.
There is no good reason for me to downplay how *HAPPY* I am.
I am REALLY HAPPY!
I don't want people to be envious of me.
I have had a lot of trials and tests along the way that were tough to go through.
I fought for what I have. Literally I have fought long and hard!
I am not going to shrink myself anymore in order that others feel special.
No more spiritual suicide for me!
The following quote is not Nelson Mandela's. It is believed that Mandela used these words in his 1994 inauguration speech. It actually comes from the book A Return To Love, 1992, by Marianne Williamson."
'Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.' We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we subconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we're liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." (Marianne Williamson, author, from A Return To Love, 1992. Ack C Wilson and J Cooke. ]
My sincerest thanks to those who have been talking to me just a little bit more sternly and directly about how important it is that I do not hold myself back. How I need to just *be ME*... Around EVERYONE... And not hide my light- under a bushel, and not to let it be blown out.
I do believe that I have been gravely mistaken- a fool- and have delayed the growth of and encouragement of others in my life due to my self deprication...
I admit to-
Slowing down the production of my zine because others expressed jealously and pain after seeing what mine looked like. A few even wrote emails saying "Why bother making my own, it is not as good as yours."
THIS HURT ME!!! IT DID NOT MAKE ME FEEL GOOD AT ALL!!!
I confess to deliberately pointing out my flaws in order to make others feel "special" and important... (DOES THIS EVEN MAKE SENSE?)
I admit to changing my schedule in order to cater to other people when it was totally inconvenient for me!
I admit to hiding blessings in order to remain "friends" with people who would be too envious if they knew what was really going on in my life.
I admit to being a person who should be allowing myself to feel free rather than bound up.
I am blogging this... I know this will help someone.
I cannot possibly be the only artist or person who has been doing this.
I will not even allow myself to delete this post. I will be bold and post it!
I am what I am!
That is all there is to say... And it is said with a heavy heart... With hope... That I will start doing my job and be OK with who I really am.