Monday, April 28, 2008

AS POPEYE SAYS - "I AM WHAT I AM!!!" It is beautiful, but not by Nelson Mandela...

It is often said, that you should not talk about yourself.
But this is my journal, a place to write about myself.
Pass this post by if you do not like to read about determined girls.
Even more importantly, pass this by if you cannot handle me being successful and happy.
It is 5:27 am here, and while wondering about my day ahead, I discovered that I needed to absorb the fact that I must stop shrinking and playing small around others because it is doing me harm.
It has become a self destructive habit of mine to point out my flaws (and to invent flaws) to anyone and *everyone* in order to prevent intimidation.
People are often overwhelmed by me, my ideas, thoughts, personality, and talents... It's not easy to freely be who I am, so much so that I am not even myself anymore when I am just alone- by myself!
In H.S. I started to wish for BAD things to happen to me in order to make people think that I was "normal", to feel comfortable around me with their flaws... Everyone thought that I was just too "Pollyanna."
And then my life and the life of my family started to change. For the worse.
What a dumb thing I did.
I cannot keep doing this to myself.
I am who I am and I have worked very hard to be who I am.
I am tired of downplaying my knowlege, wisdom, my gifts, my talents, I am tired of hiding how blessed I feel and insightful I am.
I am really tired of how much I hold myself back from the spotlight in order to let others shine without them feeling that I get "too much" attention.
I made some bad choices in order to "shrink" along the way.
Ones that I do not want to sit around and regret.
There is no good reason for me to downplay how *HAPPY* I am.
I don't want people to be envious of me.
I have had a lot of trials and tests along the way that were tough to go through.
I fought for what I have. Literally I have fought long and hard!
I am not going to shrink myself anymore in order that others feel special.
No more spiritual suicide for me!
The following quote is not Nelson Mandela's. It is believed that Mandela used these words in his 1994 inauguration speech. It actually comes from the book A Return To Love, 1992, by Marianne Williamson."
'Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.' We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we subconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we're liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." (Marianne Williamson, author, from A Return To Love, 1992. Ack C Wilson and J Cooke. ]
My sincerest thanks to those who have been talking to me just a little bit more sternly and directly about how important it is that I do not hold myself back. How I need to just *be ME*... Around EVERYONE... And not hide my light- under a bushel, and not to let it be blown out.
I do believe that I have been gravely mistaken- a fool- and have delayed the growth of and encouragement of others in my life due to my self deprication...
I admit to-
Slowing down the production of my zine because others expressed jealously and pain after seeing what mine looked like. A few even wrote emails saying "Why bother making my own, it is not as good as yours."
I confess to deliberately pointing out my flaws in order to make others feel "special" and important... (DOES THIS EVEN MAKE SENSE?)
I admit to changing my schedule in order to cater to other people when it was totally inconvenient for me!
I admit to hiding blessings in order to remain "friends" with people who would be too envious if they knew what was really going on in my life.
I admit to being a person who should be allowing myself to feel free rather than bound up.
I am blogging this... I know this will help someone.
I cannot possibly be the only artist or person who has been doing this.
I will not even allow myself to delete this post. I will be bold and post it!
I am what I am!
That is all there is to say... And it is said with a heavy heart... With hope... That I will start doing my job and be OK with who I really am.


Becci said...

We have got to be girl friends!

I get you! :-)
I am subscribing to your blog feed to keep you in my circle...

Have a great hair day! Becci

Christi M. said...

You go, girl!! That is so, so true!

I can't get over the fact that anyone would try to make you feel guilty about producing a great zine. Beau Ideal inspires and challenges me! Just because you are "more" - it doesn't make me "less". We can both be "more" in our own ways. So many people don't seem to GET that!

Kelly Snelling said...

this post makes me want to dance and make a lot of loud stomping noise while i do it. seriously. it makes me want to celebrate. it makes me happy that you are not shrinking. it makes me proud that you are finding your place in this great big world, overcoming struggles, growing, and living life with so much joy! i'm just so happy to know you, amber dawn.

Sandra Evertson said...

Great post!
Go an get yourself this book
The War of Art by Steven Pressfield
you will be glad you did!
Sandra Evertson

Connie said...

Hurrah for you Amber! it takes a lot of guts to say what you did! From an early age I was into self sacrifice, being humble and doing for others. (I was going to be a nun! LOL) Somehow I minterpreted this to mean "everyone deserves more than me, let them take the credit, don't outshine anyone it could hurt their feelings"....and along the way my self esteem and self worth went out the window too!
...and the missed opportunities!
Amazing how a change of attitude can transform your life! I still believe in kindness and gratitude, but only by taking care of myself first can I take care of others.
OK, I'm rambling.....

bswampler said...

We should never belittle ourselves, or apologize for ourselves. But I think that is built into a woman's chemistry! You are blessed to discover these issues while you are still young enough to change and grow. Now, continue to be bold, and don't let other's insecurities get you down.

Anonymous said...

You MUST shine to your fullest potential. Only by shining can you make others feel special for they are being bathed in your light. Your creativity & knowledge is a gift and when it is shared inspires others. Your spiritual and intuitive gifts are a blessing. So shine my beautiful friend, engulf us in your light & let us share in your specialness.

Joseph Pulikotil said...

Our College motto was 'LUCEAT LUX VESTRA' which means LET YOUR LIGHT SHINE. Your blog is very attractive and the contents are fascinating. Congratulations and best wishes.