Friday, March 27, 2009

It was so rough... But it's over now. (I edited this post today 4/23)

My personal life has been super stressful lately, and my nerves are on edge.

My heart and nerves are in need of calm.

My question is this- Other than prayer, is there something that you know works, that does not involve drugs, drinking or pretending to be someone else, or rather, should I say, disconnected from reality in any way, that helps you keep your composure when seriously painful and stressful situations occur?

Is there a trick that you know of that keeps you calm when your body starts to shake and your heart races out of control, when you are dealing with a medical emergency of a loved one?

I feel so useless when I start to lose my bearings. And it's something I must overcome.
On my walk home just now, from being out since around 3am I started to feel more relaxed, but my body is still on high alert.
I must get some sleep right now.
But I will log back online later, hoping to maybe read about something someone can share that helps.
There is nothing like the support of prayer, and I know that firsthand... But I think I need to find a new way of thinking or reacting to life's emergencies... So that when I am needed, I am there, solid and strong, and not spinning out of control myself, physically.

The above was written the day that my grandmother was rushed to the hospital. She was fighting cancer, and had a heart attack the morning I was talking about.
It was obvious she was not going to make it here on earth much longer. That was the last day she was ever at home.

I got the call after 2 am to go to the house to stay with my youngest sister while she slept, I heard unfamiliar voices through the phone of the other people at the house, and that is what started the panic.

Yes, maybe this is TMI but I needed to vent.
The way I counteracted my nerves that night was to rush around the house to get dressed -without waking anyone and I wrote my husband a note to explain why I would not be there when he got up in the morning.
I drew little pictures on the note and tried to keep my heart from leaping out of my chest.
To keep my stomach from feeling sick. I gathered up parcels I had wanted to mail that/next day.

During the taxi ride I concentrated on how calm the night was, how comfortable the Lincoln Town car was.

The weather was nice and calm yet chilly enough to breathe. (It was humid)
The police, firemen, and EMS that had been in the house to assist my grandmother had gone.
The others went with her.

I went into the house- worried about what I might find, but my sister was back asleep.
So I went outside to calm down
I was alone in the night, standing under a clear and starry sky.
It was a little after 3am and I had no thought at all.
My mind was completely blank.

I stood there, looking at the sky, in silence for 45 minutes.

Not thinking.
Just looking.

No emotional feeling.
I was just numb.

Because I hadn't slept much the past few months prior, I was not doing so well myself.
But I held it together and was standing there, strong like a guard.

I couldn't really sleep that night, but I had enough energy to get my sister up, ready for school, and walked her there.
She shared with me what had happened the night before and we talked about it.

It was really nice that morning.
The sun was shining and it helped to cheer us. I hadn't walked her to school in about 7 years so it felt good to spend the morning time with her like that.

I took a train and mailed over a dozen parcels of charm swaps that I had prepared a few nights before. There was some good mail waiting for me at the PO that I got that day for a circus theme swap I am hosting and it cheered me.

The rest of the week was spent caring for my family and taking care of my sister while the rest of the family stayed at the hospital.

Time passed, days passed, not too long though.
Just a week.
She didn't want to live anymore.
She demanded to die.
And she did.

I had been feeling her pain.
I had been feeling her misery.

I am glad that it's all over.

I couldn't take it anymore.


devakat said...

Music helps me. Especially if there is no words to focus on. Pick something that fits your mood. Just feel the music and drift away to sleep. Hope this helps.

3rdEyeMuse said...

honestly, (and this is from just my personal point of view) it takes a lot of practice & seriously good deep breathing ... as silly as this may sound, counting helps me - usually things, but backward from a certain number will do the trick in a crunch.

will send good and healthy vibes through the universe and right to said loved one's way.